Sunday, November 28, 2004

Thanksgiving With Big Kids!

11/28/04

Dear Diary,

I wish every week was like Thanksgiving! I had so much fun this weekend that I totally don't want to go back to school on Monday. I told my mom and dad that I was sick of having Thanksgiving Chinese style where we eat Peking Roast Duck instead of Turkey, braised cabbage instead of creamed spinach, fried rice instead of stuffing, and rice cake instead of pumpkin pie. At first they were like, totally angry with me. They said something about me being a Twinkie but I'm not a soft yellow cake with a creamy white filling. They're getting senile or something, I swear. Their seniliciousness allowed me to sneak out to play with the big kids all weekend!

On Thursday, I was invited to play in the big kids' Thanksgiving Day Flag Football game. These kids were big and old, like in their 30's and stuff. And they're like big, in the big sense, sort of like Andre the Giant. Tammy was there, she played with the boys. And so was Josh (he played Phil in READAPTATION [http://www.splitid.com/_wsn/page5.html]). On the first play of the game, they ran a play to me - an "Out Pattern" - and I totally fell. I was sooooo embarassed. And they kept running plays to me because they thought I was like speedy and stuff and since I was so embarassed about falling, I couldn't catch anything. They were all laughing at me. That was pretty sucky.

But then, I caught a pass! It was rad, sort of like Josh playing the part of Joe Montana and me playing the part of Dwight Clark in the "The Catch" (http://www.travel-watch.com/thecatch.htm). It was so much like that that I thought I was in the end zone. Little did I know, I was still ten-yards away. And when I started to do my celebration dance (which by the way, is the choreography from Britney's "Baby One More Time" video that I learned especially for a moment like this) some poopy dude from the other team ran by me and grabbed my flag.

Then, on defense, this one dude - he was big. His name was Craig, I think. He concussed me on a block. I was trying to like defend a little screen pass (I know that because I play a lot of Madden 2005 on my XBox) and when I looked up, this giant dude was running and knocked the hell out of me. Seriously, he like threw me 10-yards or something. I'm like 14! He's at least 35. Asshole.

I was laying on the ground when I thought, "Dude, I just got jacked up"; Josh was giving me mouth to mouth when I thought, "Ewwwww, bad breath"; and Tammy was putting good pressure on the opposing quarterback when I thought, "She's dreamy. She's bigger than me. How come Craig doesn't hit her like he hit me. I would totally give her mouth to mouth, even though I don't know CPR."

Good times.

Thanksgiving was fun too. Since it was my first real, like pilgrim Thanksgiving, I told all my friends that I wanted make the Turkey. The culinary club at my high school, of which, I am the president, had prepared me well to make a Apple and Maple Glazed Turkey with Sage, Thyme, and Bacon. It was yummy in the tummy. I think I ate too much though. As Chris said, "It was a gastronomical success." I'm not sure if he meant to say that it was an astronomical success or that it was successful in giving him gas but whatever - he seemed satisfied with the whole to-do.

On Friday, I watched Freaky Friday. And on Saturday, I worked on my final project for A/V Club with Helen (www.doubledogmusic.com), the super cool composer for my little movie.

At night, the big kids took to me out, hella late, like 11:00 PM to see a totally rad singer/songwriter in a club in Hollywood. She sort of looked like a classy Britney with a hella good voice and her songs were all like "bluesey" and "jazzy" and stuff. She sings about stuff that I don't really know anything about but they made me feel funny, sort of like the first time I saw Heather Locklear in a bikini: like, I don't really know what's happening inside, but it's all pretty good. I was nursing a Shirley Temple, though - maybe that had something to do with it. Her name is Laura Burhenn (www.lauraburhenn.com) and she's based in D.C. If you ever get a chance to see her, Diary, you should totally go.

God, Diary, I can't wait to grow up so every weekend can be like this!

Giving thanks,
David


Friday, November 12, 2004

Our School's Sad Yearbook

11/12/04

Dear Diary,

So picture time came and went and again, this year, my parents didn't buy me a yearbook. How do they expect me to remember the time of my life in high school without yearbooks to remind me? I mean, like totally, what's the deal? It's only $45 and stuff. My mom and dad say that we have to eat but I tell them that I'm okay with Ramen noodles and stuff and they are only a 25 cents a pack in the supermarket (and they still say that I don't know how to be frugal - pshaw!).

Anyway, thanks to Al Gore's Internet (I think he's got a trademark pending on that name) my school has been able to put the yearbook online. Since I only have dial-up (accelerated on AOL!) it's hard for me to see all the pictures but it seems like all my friends are so sad and sorry about what happened last Tuesday. Here's the yearbook link: http://sorryeverybody.com It's kind of moving to see 49% of a high school rise up and apologize for not doing enough, there's something like there's a kinship going on or something.

I've been so sorry that I've been hella carbo-loading. My mom is angry at me because she spent all that money to get me on Atkins and I'm just letting myself go. She hates it when I do that.

Anyway, apparently Bush and Dick (tee-hee) will not going on a man date for 4 years. This site even says so: www.notamandate.org. I don't know why people care. If they want to be gay together, we should let them. This is what messed us up on Tuesday - 51% of our high school didn't want man dates or woman dates.

I mean, dude. Diary, can't we all just get along?

Oh, and Diary, check out the funky maps of my high school that tracks how people voted: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mejn/election/ If you look at the homeroom by homeroom results, you'll see a funny thing. The homerooms near water were totally for Kerry and Dreamy Edwards (Pacific, Atlantic, Great Lakes, Mississippi River, Colorado River) while the landlocked homerooms were overwhelmingly for Dick and Bush (tee-hee). My theory: large bodies of water make people normal (Alaska doesn't count because they're like Eskimos up there and stuff). My plan for 2006 and 2008, rush to all the landlocked places with firehoses and make rivers and lakes in people's backyards and swimming pools.

Anyway, Diary, my mom is telling me to get off Al Gore's Internet and go downstairs to do the dishes - there are many plates of pasta to be cleaned. Maybe when I grow up, I'll be a professional dishwasher - those dudes have fun, they play in water all day long!

Yours, swimming upstream,
David





Thursday, November 04, 2004

Soooo LAME!

11/4/04

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry I didn't write the Election Night All Night Blog. All my plans went awry.

First off, I got caught by John Ashcroft, our school's hall monitor, when I was trying to spread the word in the Ohio halls of my school to go and vote in the popularity contest. He was saying something about God when he sent me to the principal's office. I hate that guy. He can totally eat it and he can eat it hard too.

Anyway, since my mom had to come pick me up from school, he was angry with me because she might lose her job and stuff, she didn't order a bunch of pizzas from Round Table or get the pinata pony my The Election Night Sleepover Party. She almost canceled it but I think she didn't want to make so many phone calls to the other parents since she had to go back to wo.

So all my friends came over at around 8:00 PM and things seemed to be going well (even though we didn't have any pizza because the economy is so bad) and I was going to start the election night blog when I found out that our internet was shut off. I said, "Dude, I can handle the erosion of my civil rights, but the internet? Where's Al Gore when you need him?" I was totally pissed because I couldn't get on the Nickelodeon Message Boards to talk to my internet buddies about the popularity contest.

When the results started coming in, my friends all started to get sick. Like vomiting and stuff. I think they were just hungry but they all went home. That's when that artsy punk Blake Goddard, the guy who Tammy thinks is dreamy, came down with explosive diarhea and left. Wait until I tell her.

But that left me by myself to understand what had happened: that George Bush guy had won the popularity contest. I don't get it. That guy is a dork. And his buddy is scaaaary. Why are they so popular? And they hate the gay community at our high school but they keep talking about how they have a mandate. If I hated the gay community, I certainly wouldn't be talking about my man dates. That's like hypocritical and stuff.

Dude. Diary. This is soooooo LAME!

When he stole the popularity contest four years ago, I thought to myself - "No way he'll be reelected in 2004. There's no way." But apparently, I have misunderestimated him.

Diary, do you know who I blame?

The 58 million members of Red State Nation and The Red Sox. I mean, The Red Sox had to win the World Series this year? In the 80-some-odd-years of World Series futility, they have to pick this year to win? Blacklash, I tell you. You heard it first, Diary - give the National League team the World Series (Houston or Busch Stadium) and give us the popularity contest. The signs were sooooo clear - Curt Schilling, shilling for George, pitching with a red sock. I mean, since the Red Sox won the World Series, every Boston team has lost: The Patriots lost, Kerry lost, The Celtics lost, and the Boston Bruins haven't even played a game yet. Maybe the Sox have reversed the curse and brought down 80-some-odd years of futility for my party.

The apocalypse is nigh (SAT prep, thank you very much). This is what I was afraid of.

This is so lame. I'm so depressed, I'm going to start carbo-loading. I was going to run away from home but my mom stopped me at the door and sent me to my room. Thankfully, Al Gore restored the internet (but damn these parental controls).

Morally eating pasta,
David

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Another predictor

11/2/04

Dear Diary,

Okay, I'm at lunch. That hall monitor almost got me but I hid underneath the table. Anyway, what I wanted to write before was that clearly Kerry would win the popularity contest because The Packers won on Sunday against Washington at Fed-Ex Field.

Here's more unscientific proof from Gregg Easterbrook, the nerdy sports guy at school, or as he likes to call himself in the privacy of his own nerdery, Tuesday Morning Quarterback or "TMQ":

The Sampling Error Is Plus or Minus Three Fajitas (Sampling Error, Get It?)

A month ago, TMQ wrote, "Forget those scientific polls, if you want to know who the next president will be, check with California Tortilla. These locally owned Montgomery County, Md., eateries, the Official Rapid Food Restaurant of TMQ, have a flawless record of predicting election results via burritos. Cooks concoct a burrito named for each candidate, then keep track of how many sell: Invariably, the top-selling burrito accurately predicts the winner. Last night, the California Tortilla burrito poll closed. The final burrito count was John Kerry 1,868, George W. Bush 1,738. That's Kerry over Bush, 51.8 percent to 48.2 percent. Let's see how close that comes to today's actual vote.

Sampling the cafeteria's burritos,
David

Stuck in the computer lab

11/2/04

Dear Diary,

I'm totally sneaking into the computer lab to write you because I'm still in school but our school's poli-sci junkie dailykos just posted the early exit poll data from his buddy Jerome (www.dailykos.com).

AZ CO LA PA OH FL MI NM MN WI IA NH
Kerry 45 48 42 60 52 51 51 50 58 52 49 57
Bush 55 51 57 40 48 48 47 48 40 43 49 41

I hate this. I'm stuck in dummy woodshop while the popularity contest is going full tilt. Maybe if I "accidentally" cut myself, they'll send me home so I can prepare for the sleepover I'm having tonight. Dammit, I have that algebra test in 6th period. Hmmm...maybe I'll just ask for a lot of hall passes today!

Uh-oh, the hall monitor is here...

Gotta escape the fuzz,
David