Disco's Dear Diary

Last Page of Dear Diary - Sad!!

2006-02-07T00:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Sorry I've been so neglectful. Things have been real busy at school...uh...okay...truth? The truth is...I've been cheating on you, Diary!

There I said it.

I knew Mom was keeping me away from the internet for a reason and that reason is that she didn't want me to find out about "the blogs". Instead of spending my time writing diary entries, I was too busy starting one at www.johnnyhongkong.com/blog. My recent post on the Super Bowl totally got linked by Deadspin.com, the Gawker Media Empire (and still others) sports blog (it's the first link at http://www.deadspin.com/sports/about-last-night/about-last-night-
-152869.php)!

Don't say it, Diary - I know that "blog" is the new "passe" but "black" was once the new "diary" (where have you been?). It's not just a blog, but there's also a website for people to keep up on my A/V projects and stuff (and also for the revival of "Date Plate". If you don't know about it, it's totally a treat). Okay... so the site is a work in progress and not even a tenth done yet but my math teacher keeps giving me too many algebra problems...

Anyway, don't take it so hard. It's not you, Diary, it's me. Keep your head up. On the bright side, johnnyhongkong will provide a loving home for all your frayed and broken hearted pages. Hey, it's better than all those ratty yellow O-PeeChee folders I've been sticking you into. :)

Fondly,
David

A p.s. to you faithful or unfaithful Diary readers: please update your links and or news aggregators. Thanks.
___
www.johnnyhongkong.com

I know Kung-Fu!

2005-03-25T12:08:00.000-08:00

March 25, 2005

Dear Diary.

I know I've been hating in my last few entries but I don't always hate, sometimes I...uh... masticate. Regulate? Figure skate? Conjugate, congregate, ovulate...?

Whatever - anyway, I saw the coolest movie last night, Diary! It was a special sneak preview of Stephen Chow's Kung-Fu Hustle on the Sony lot and boy, was it gooood.

First, let's forget about the fact that Stephen Chow is dreamy (so dreamy that I am working through all of his movies and currently, I'm in the dregs and yet I still don't care), that there is no "hustle" in the sense of a "hustler" or "the hustle" as in the dance, so I don't really know why they couldn't just go with the original Chinese name Kung-Fu because there IS plenty of that, and that it drags a little towards the end (whew, if that's not a run-on sentence, it should be. I'm not sure because I'm going to public school!).

Yeah, forget that stuff. Because if you don't, you'd miss quite possibly, the most funny, outrageous, absurd, insane, sweet...just plain fun movie you'll see this year.

Kung-Fu Hustle follows in the loose form of Chow's major works (King of Comedy, God of Cookery, or Shaolin Soccer) where a loser wishes to be something more, tries in vain to be that thing, and then finds his nobler self by being what he truly is, often times aided by Shaolin monks or Buddha (G.O.C. being the most notable exception where the journey is inverted).

Chow's social commentary hasn't changed much throughout the years: goodness and purity can only be found in poverty (where the downtrodden also must make and sell food), while fame and riches are pathways to corruption, however, this time out he's added more "American tasting" themes as seen in the recent hits, The Incredibles and Spiderman, and The Matrix from a few years back.

And his humor has certainly risen from the lowbrow to the middlebrow with no ill effect (the style is still Cantonese, it just doesn't have all of the dick jokes). For example, the liberal sprinklings of polk-gai (there is one moment, early on, where a character's delivery of polk-gai almost made me pee my pants) make up for that one moment in King of Comedy that made all of us feel dirty for laughing so goddamn hard.

If you happen to live in San Francisco, Boston, Dallas, or Chicago take this link and sign up for a free screening. Otherwise, if you live in LA and NY, you can pay to see it on 4/8. If you live anywhere else you gotta wait until 4/22 or even later if you're in the stix.

Kung-fu fighting,
David

Do you smell cat pee?

2005-03-24T12:46:00.000-08:00

March 24, 2005

Dear Diary,

No, I don't smell cat pee.

And maybe, Diary, that's ultimately the reason why our A/V project didn't get into Tribeca. Forget WKW, his daddy named Mary, and 2046. Forget Robert De Niro and his voodoo hex he put on us.

Thanks to my hometown paper, I have come to accept that the real reason we didn't get into the Tribeca film festival: lack of Cat Pee. And how I, in my infinite stupidity, made a movie about wine and did not include any references to cat pee, wet dog, mouse droppings, or bacon in the script. It's not like I didn't have a chance - the script was written and then voice-overs written a year later.

Not. One. Reference.

Cat pee.

I bet that bitch ass Alexander Payne has cat pee all up in his movie. Cat pee AND that guy. Alex, that's the luxury you have when you're the second wine movie that went into production in 2003/2004. You get to find out about cat pee. You see, we were Deep Impact to your Armageddon; We're Dante's Peak are you're Volcano. Dammit! I like totally forgot: first is the worst, second is the best -

That's it: I'm making ANOTHER movie about wine which would make me third and thus the blue bird sitting in the nest.

Here kitty, kitty,
David

WKW: Yo' mama name is Roscoe

2005-03-23T16:40:00.000-08:00

March 23, 2005

Dear Diary,

What an exhausting week!

The student council hearings about off-campus lunches and that dumb Chris Paul not punching people in the nads when it really counts, thus making my winning NCAA bracket go to pot.

Now this. Apparently, Sony Pictures Classics has aquired North American rights to dreamy Wong Kar-Wai's 2046. But that's just window dressing. The part that caught my eye is that it will have its US premiere at the Tribec-kaka film festival.

You know what's not having its North American premiere at Tribec-kaka?

That's right, Diary! Our film!

But I get it, though. Bobby D couldn't possibly have programmed two poetically lyrical, voice-over heavy films into his festival.

For example: if The New World had been entered, instead of our film, Bobby D would have had to make a choice between The New World and 2046 to represent the "heavily voice-overed" film of the festival (not that I've seen New World but I'm just guessing that drunky Colin Farrell is going to be "thinking" a lot about the Indians and Thanksgiving).

So I get it. Bobby D, my anger has been misdirected at you. I crossed out all the "Tribeckaka Poop Festival eats...kaka" references in my burn book.

Wong Kar-Wai: it was YOU who punched me in the nads!

But WKW, because of this, I'll forgive you.

Just consider yourself warned. I have gained Player Hater Ball points and am drunk on the Haterade - you're getting awful close to the burn book.

Hatingly,
David

Student Council Hearings

2005-03-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

March 18, 2005

Dear Diary,

I was "subpeonaed" today to testify in the special student council hearings on eating lunch off campus, the hot new scandal at school. It hasn't exactly been against the rules to go off campus for lunch, but it's been one of those implicit agreements, or something like that but mysteriously, over the last few years, around lunch time, there have been less and less kids eating lunch at school. Personally, I thought it was The Mothman Prophecies, but the word on the street was that kids were leaving in droves to eat lunch off campus.

*gasp*

Have I? Well, Diary, I can't tell you, because I might be incriminating myself, but this is what I told them. I said, "I have never eaten lunch off campus, nor do I know anyone who has ever left the campus to eat lunch, not even at Whole Foods when they have the Organic Meatloaf. And hell no, I would not rat on my friends." I also told them that Mike Mertula might not have given me my burning bush.

Diary, why does the Student Council care so much? Don't they have bigger things to worry about? Like how our student body president is trying to steal other school's mascots and install ours? Or how about the school bully beating up on my arty friends? Or that the poor kids don't even have enough money to eat lunch at school? Student council says that eating lunch off campus could kill us and that it's a school wide epidemic. You know what's a school wide epidemic? Smoking.

Who cares about off campus lunches?

By the way, I came home and watched the steroid hearings last night. MSNBC replayed it at night, apparently taking a cue from their sister station NBC, "If you haven't seen it, it's new to you." Here are my thoughts:

You know who I feel bad for in all of this? Ozzie Canseco. He's like, almost identical to Jose and he roided himself and still couldn't play or almost sleep with Madonna. This brings up yet another GI Joe existential dilemma: if Tomax injected himself with steroids, would Xamot get big?

Who deflated Mark McGwire?

When did Sammy Sosa forget how to speak English?

Rafael Palmeiro's acting coach needs to be fired. I don't care if 50's matinee idols never used steroids. The look only works for Senator Richard Alarcon. Plus the finger pointing? Raffy, give me a break. This all goes to yet once again confirm that Will Clark was the better 1st baseman from the 1984 Olympic team.

Anyway, the student council hearings are continuing. I will keep you posted.

Organic Meatloaf...mmm...,
David

Demon Deacons Are Scary!

2005-03-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

March 17th, 2005

Dear Diary,

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I'm so totally decked out in green because I don't want those icky boys (Mike Mertula, you smell like cornchips or athlete's foot) all up in my bizness pinching me and stuff. I keep hearing about people wanting to drink the Guinness today.

"Brilliant!" they yell.

You know what I say? "Like, that's soooo stupid!"

How are you supposed to drink a book? And what does that have anything to do with lucky charms, little magical leprechauns, and the luck o'd'Irish? I hear paper mills stink. You don't want that stuff in your system and I don't care how many anti-oxidants this "Guinness" has.

Today is also the beginning of March Madness, when everybody goes crazy for the big basketball tournament. I filled out my bracket (with my lucky green Kogepan pen) and turned it in just before the tip off of the first game this morning. I picked Wake Forest to win it all and I am right because:

1) I won last year.

2) Demon Deacons are scaaaaary. Empire-ically, or something. I mean, not only are they already demons, they are also deacons.

3) Their star point guard, Chris Paul thinks like me and therefore, is obviously a genius. I had just been rejected from the boys basketball team tryouts for like the zillionth time - something about me being a girl or playing like a girl, I was so agitated, I wasn't really listening - and I was at home in my Zarko Cabarkapa jersey, all bummed out and watching that stupid movie BASEketball when I thought how a 15-year-old like me can spice up the game of basketball. And I swear, diary, when it came to me, it was like Moses and the burning bush.

My burning bush said, "what Basketball needs a 6th person on the court - a nut kicker."

Genius.

It would be the great equalizer. You think Kobe's so smooth and his beef is so tender? Tell me what happens after it get kicked a few times. You think Big Aristotle is so unstoppable? Kick him in his little Aristotles. Iverson acting a fool with his gats? Kick him in the nads.

Both teams have nut kickers. Nut kickers can get their nuts kicked, but only by the other team's nut kickers. They cannot touch the ball (the one in play). Their sole purpose is to kick or not kick other people in the nuts. You see the strategy developing?

And Title IX? Screw it. You can kick that in the nuts too - hell yeah, girls can play. Tell me right now, Diary, that Mia Hamm wouldn't be the best nut kicker in the game. She'd be positively Bondsian.

Chris Paul must have brain wave stealing skills or something. It must have been that night that I went to sleep without putting my tin foil hat on - the next morning, I read that he had punched Julius Hodge in the nuts. Are you kidding me?

Ah crap! Chris Paul must be an alien too, leading me to #4 on my list of why the Demon Deacons will win the NCAA tournament...

4) Chris Paul might be an alien.

I feel it.

In my bathing suit area.

A revolution is in sports is afoot.

David Stern, where u at?

Protecting my ovaries,
David

PS: Bobby De Niro, our rift is forever now! You suck eggs for not coming to closing weekend of Overflow!

He's Just Living Up To His Namesake...

2005-03-09T15:14:00.000-08:00

March 9, 2005

Dear Diary,

I hate Robert De Niro.

Yes, Bobby, I’m talkin’ to you.

There ain’t no one else here, so I must be talkin’ to you.

I hate your stupid Amex commercial directed by your no Oscar having best friend that cross promotes “your city, your card,” and “your poopy film festival that doesn’t want MY FILM to screen in the Triangle Below Canal.”

You think I’m mad? Honky puhleeze…I’m sooo over triangles.

Dodecahedrons are obviously the new triangles. Considering that you live in YOUR CITY with YOUR CARD, I’m surprised you didn’t know that. That, and your little neighborhood film festival in Manhattan is no dodecahedron. It is only a triangle and A-squared + B-squared = C-squared is so passé.

Okay, maybe I’m a little miffed but only because in all of my fifteen years of honing my cinematic critical skills, it is in my humble opinion that The Marriage of Charlie Johnson is better (that is, has a little something more to say) than Godsend, City by the Sea, and much better than The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

I know you may hold grudges as we “offered” the role of Jay to you (in our minds) but you scoffed at us (in our minds) and our insistence that you forgo your $20 million salary requirement. We said, “the movie is only going to cost $10,000.” You said, “[That noise you made in This Boy’s Life and The Fan].”

Mr. De Niro, the only way that you are going to get back on my Christmas list is if you come to see the closing weekend of Overflow, the play that Justina Walford wrote and that I directed. It’s only got four more performances – this Thursday thru. Saturday at 8 PM and Sunday at 3 PM.

Considering your recent run of paycheck roles and that dumb commercial, I’m guessing that times are pretty rough for you. That’s okay, Bob, because here’s a link that will get you half-priced tickets. If you don't want to hassle with the brief sign up, try this one (you’ll have to enter promo code 008 to get your discount) - you can even use YOUR CARD to pay for YOUR DISCOUNT TICKETS.

Didja get that? Cool, then I’ll see you this weekend, Mr. De Niro. I totally forgive you for not taking my film and don't worry, the next film I make, you’re still my first call for SAG scale. But only if you come this weekend! If not, I may have to continue trying to gain hater points for acceptance into the Player Hater's Ball.

Kisses,
David

President's Day Rocks!

2005-02-23T15:49:00.000-08:00

2/23/05

Dear Diary,

President's Day rocks so hard, it makes me want to cry. Just think about it for a second, diary - our Founding Fathers had the foresight to be born a week after Valentine's Day, a day of such suckitude (read: sucks so hard) that I stayed at home in my pajamas eating the grody chocolate that dorksquad leader Jimmy Johnson gave me with the stupid X-tina valentine that said she wanted to get drrrrty with me - how gross! How...lesbionic!

Anyway, the fact that the day to celebrate our presidents is just a simple week later makes me believe even more that National Treasure is actually based on a true story. Dude, it totally is. I was rockin' so hard on my President's week celebration, I was even on The West Wing location today chilaxin' with a pretend president.

Speaking of sucking eggs and stuff, Diary, I'm curious why so many of my friends haven't come to see Overflow, the new play that I directed. Not only is it beautifully written by Justina Walford and gracefully directed by me, it's got hot girls in it - the critics even say so.

And - for all of those who loved ReAdaptation, it explicates the Justina Walford character...well...almost completely. So, really, Overflow is to ReAdaptation what Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead is to Hamlet, except Justina is a real person. Or is she? Is she an amalgam of 5 people? Hmmm...

I hope my friends are just waiting for their calendars to open up to come see the show and it's not because they are chea...poor. It would break my tiny little heart if my friends wanted to come but could not pay the full ticket price. If it is because they are financially challenged they can get 1/2 price tickets here. I'm totally financially challenged - my poopy parents only give me an allowance of $5.00 a week - hardly enough to even go on a date, which is another reason why Valentine's Day sucked so hard.

And I hope they don't give me any lip about the poopscars this weekend - poopy drama club awards - how terribly "clishay" (I don't even know what that word means but it sounds so good). I tuned out when National Treasure wasn't nominated for anything. Now on to making voodoo dolls so that next year Tony Jaa will get nominated for being the dreamiest Thai Warrior ever.

Giggles,
David

Catching up, Interlude:: OVERFLOW

2005-02-07T16:07:00.000-08:00

February 7. 2005

Dear Diary,

The excuse must really be wearing thin, huh diary - how busy I am. I know and I apologize, diary, it's just that - I mean, all you have to do is lay there underneath my bed, all locked up, but I have stuff to do. For the past few weeks since returning from vacation, I've been directing this new play called Overflow. It's written by Justina Walford, the president of my school's drama club, it stars six dreamy half-Asian, half-something women, and it just opened last weekend. It'll be playing Thurs. to Sat. @ 8 PM and Sun. @ 3 PM at The Hudson Theatre. Mike Durst, our award-winning lighting designer, he's so handy with the ellipsoidals and stuff. He's even been nominated for an Ovation award! I hope my all my friends can come to see the show!

Diary, you must hate me because I'm not writing about what happened during vacation in San Francisco and Wisconsin after we had the screening, but I don't want to take away from the above, so for now, diary, this is all you're going to get:

San Francisco: There ARE a million ways to make shrimp and Chinese people are so weird!

Wisconsin: You really CAN walk on water and White people are so funny!

And Diary, no - I have nothing to say about the Superbowl - New England...so passe - winning everything except popularity contests. If they're so cool, they must think the Bruins are going to win the Stanley Cup...whooops. Yeah, Diary, I have nothing to say except that not-so-dreamy Tom Brady did not win his 3rd Superbowl MVP trophy, thus, not tying him with dreamy Joe Montana as the only quarterback in the history of the game to have done so and dreamy and smart Steve Young - Hall of Fame. As for the actual game, whatevz - I lost interest when the 49ers lost out on the wild card. "Tomorrow, tomorrow...is only a day - a-way!!"

Kisses for a Happy Chinese New Year, Diary!
David

Catching up, Part 1: The Screening

2005-01-21T13:00:00.000-08:00

January 21, 2005

Happy New Year Diary!

I'm sooo sorry that I haven't written in 2 whole months, since the Thanksgiving with the Big Kids, but boy has it been bizzzeee - so busy that I've barely had time to think. I'm totally glad I'm not going to that stupid high school A/V Clubs Conference that's going on for the next few weeks because now, I have time to write!!

Like I was saying, it's been totally nuts: In December, I had to finish The Marriage of Charlie Johnson for my school's A/V club screening. It totally crazy like a day or two before, like I totally didn't sleep for like three days or something, and then, like right before we had to leave for the screening, I noticed a two frame artifact in a dissolve so I had to reedit the whole sequence and make a new DVD! My mom was yelling at me to get in the car to go to the theater while my trusty little 'puter was making the new DVD. Doesn't she undertstand that this is my life??!! She says that I have OCD, whatever that means. Whatever...my mom just doesn't understand.

My OCD was okay because we totally got there since my dad knows all the shortcuts and he is, after all, a driver who is also Chinese. I totally felt like Jimmy Fallon in that movie where he's all like screaming and stuff and Queen Latifah is driving like my dad. I wish I was all grown up and was hired to direct that movie. I could have totally done it. I mean, with actors like Jimmy Fallon, Queen Latifah, and Gisele...? Are you kidding me? I wouldn't even have to like work or anything. They're like Oscar caliber and stuff! (as a side note, do you find the it weird, diary that none of those three got nominated for the Golden Globes? Hollywood Foreign Press - feh - foreigners. This is the biggest travesty since Vanilla Ice being snubbed for his performances in Cool as Ice and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II).

The screening went well, even though I had to throw up a few times. Right after the screening, we shipped it off to this other A/V Club Conference because we think this one is much cooler than the one happening now; the one in New York is like totally punk rock and the one happening now in Utah is sooooo passe. Who wants to spend time in Utah? You can't do nothing but go skiing and who the hell wants to go skiing? The one time MacGuyver went skiing, he almost died and Diary, if MacGuyver almost died, we would totally bite it, like five times over. More later, but for now, since I am not in Utah, I can totally say, "Johnny-Five, Alive!"

Diary, it's so good to catch up with you!
David

Thanksgiving With Big Kids!

2004-11-28T11:45:00.000-08:00

11/28/04

Dear Diary,

I wish every week was like Thanksgiving! I had so much fun this weekend that I totally don't want to go back to school on Monday. I told my mom and dad that I was sick of having Thanksgiving Chinese style where we eat Peking Roast Duck instead of Turkey, braised cabbage instead of creamed spinach, fried rice instead of stuffing, and rice cake instead of pumpkin pie. At first they were like, totally angry with me. They said something about me being a Twinkie but I'm not a soft yellow cake with a creamy white filling. They're getting senile or something, I swear. Their seniliciousness allowed me to sneak out to play with the big kids all weekend!

On Thursday, I was invited to play in the big kids' Thanksgiving Day Flag Football game. These kids were big and old, like in their 30's and stuff. And they're like big, in the big sense, sort of like Andre the Giant. Tammy was there, she played with the boys. And so was Josh (he played Phil in READAPTATION [http://www.splitid.com/_wsn/page5.html]). On the first play of the game, they ran a play to me - an "Out Pattern" - and I totally fell. I was sooooo embarassed. And they kept running plays to me because they thought I was like speedy and stuff and since I was so embarassed about falling, I couldn't catch anything. They were all laughing at me. That was pretty sucky.

But then, I caught a pass! It was rad, sort of like Josh playing the part of Joe Montana and me playing the part of Dwight Clark in the "The Catch" (http://www.travel-watch.com/thecatch.htm). It was so much like that that I thought I was in the end zone. Little did I know, I was still ten-yards away. And when I started to do my celebration dance (which by the way, is the choreography from Britney's "Baby One More Time" video that I learned especially for a moment like this) some poopy dude from the other team ran by me and grabbed my flag.

Then, on defense, this one dude - he was big. His name was Craig, I think. He concussed me on a block. I was trying to like defend a little screen pass (I know that because I play a lot of Madden 2005 on my XBox) and when I looked up, this giant dude was running and knocked the hell out of me. Seriously, he like threw me 10-yards or something. I'm like 14! He's at least 35. Asshole.

I was laying on the ground when I thought, "Dude, I just got jacked up"; Josh was giving me mouth to mouth when I thought, "Ewwwww, bad breath"; and Tammy was putting good pressure on the opposing quarterback when I thought, "She's dreamy. She's bigger than me. How come Craig doesn't hit her like he hit me. I would totally give her mouth to mouth, even though I don't know CPR."

Good times.

Thanksgiving was fun too. Since it was my first real, like pilgrim Thanksgiving, I told all my friends that I wanted make the Turkey. The culinary club at my high school, of which, I am the president, had prepared me well to make a Apple and Maple Glazed Turkey with Sage, Thyme, and Bacon. It was yummy in the tummy. I think I ate too much though. As Chris said, "It was a gastronomical success." I'm not sure if he meant to say that it was an astronomical success or that it was successful in giving him gas but whatever - he seemed satisfied with the whole to-do.

On Friday, I watched Freaky Friday. And on Saturday, I worked on my final project for A/V Club with Helen (www.doubledogmusic.com), the super cool composer for my little movie.

At night, the big kids took to me out, hella late, like 11:00 PM to see a totally rad singer/songwriter in a club in Hollywood. She sort of looked like a classy Britney with a hella good voice and her songs were all like "bluesey" and "jazzy" and stuff. She sings about stuff that I don't really know anything about but they made me feel funny, sort of like the first time I saw Heather Locklear in a bikini: like, I don't really know what's happening inside, but it's all pretty good. I was nursing a Shirley Temple, though - maybe that had something to do with it. Her name is Laura Burhenn (www.lauraburhenn.com) and she's based in D.C. If you ever get a chance to see her, Diary, you should totally go.

God, Diary, I can't wait to grow up so every weekend can be like this!

Giving thanks,
David

Our School's Sad Yearbook

2004-11-12T14:12:00.000-08:00

11/12/04

Dear Diary,

So picture time came and went and again, this year, my parents didn't buy me a yearbook. How do they expect me to remember the time of my life in high school without yearbooks to remind me? I mean, like totally, what's the deal? It's only $45 and stuff. My mom and dad say that we have to eat but I tell them that I'm okay with Ramen noodles and stuff and they are only a 25 cents a pack in the supermarket (and they still say that I don't know how to be frugal - pshaw!).

Anyway, thanks to Al Gore's Internet (I think he's got a trademark pending on that name) my school has been able to put the yearbook online. Since I only have dial-up (accelerated on AOL!) it's hard for me to see all the pictures but it seems like all my friends are so sad and sorry about what happened last Tuesday. Here's the yearbook link: http://sorryeverybody.com It's kind of moving to see 49% of a high school rise up and apologize for not doing enough, there's something like there's a kinship going on or something.

I've been so sorry that I've been hella carbo-loading. My mom is angry at me because she spent all that money to get me on Atkins and I'm just letting myself go. She hates it when I do that.

Anyway, apparently Bush and Dick (tee-hee) will not going on a man date for 4 years. This site even says so: www.notamandate.org. I don't know why people care. If they want to be gay together, we should let them. This is what messed us up on Tuesday - 51% of our high school didn't want man dates or woman dates.

I mean, dude. Diary, can't we all just get along?

Oh, and Diary, check out the funky maps of my high school that tracks how people voted: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mejn/election/ If you look at the homeroom by homeroom results, you'll see a funny thing. The homerooms near water were totally for Kerry and Dreamy Edwards (Pacific, Atlantic, Great Lakes, Mississippi River, Colorado River) while the landlocked homerooms were overwhelmingly for Dick and Bush (tee-hee). My theory: large bodies of water make people normal (Alaska doesn't count because they're like Eskimos up there and stuff). My plan for 2006 and 2008, rush to all the landlocked places with firehoses and make rivers and lakes in people's backyards and swimming pools.

Anyway, Diary, my mom is telling me to get off Al Gore's Internet and go downstairs to do the dishes - there are many plates of pasta to be cleaned. Maybe when I grow up, I'll be a professional dishwasher - those dudes have fun, they play in water all day long!

Yours, swimming upstream,
David

Soooo LAME!

2004-11-04T16:59:00.000-08:00

11/4/04

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry I didn't write the Election Night All Night Blog. All my plans went awry.

First off, I got caught by John Ashcroft, our school's hall monitor, when I was trying to spread the word in the Ohio halls of my school to go and vote in the popularity contest. He was saying something about God when he sent me to the principal's office. I hate that guy. He can totally eat it and he can eat it hard too.

Anyway, since my mom had to come pick me up from school, he was angry with me because she might lose her job and stuff, she didn't order a bunch of pizzas from Round Table or get the pinata pony my The Election Night Sleepover Party. She almost canceled it but I think she didn't want to make so many phone calls to the other parents since she had to go back to wo.

So all my friends came over at around 8:00 PM and things seemed to be going well (even though we didn't have any pizza because the economy is so bad) and I was going to start the election night blog when I found out that our internet was shut off. I said, "Dude, I can handle the erosion of my civil rights, but the internet? Where's Al Gore when you need him?" I was totally pissed because I couldn't get on the Nickelodeon Message Boards to talk to my internet buddies about the popularity contest.

When the results started coming in, my friends all started to get sick. Like vomiting and stuff. I think they were just hungry but they all went home. That's when that artsy punk Blake Goddard, the guy who Tammy thinks is dreamy, came down with explosive diarhea and left. Wait until I tell her.

But that left me by myself to understand what had happened: that George Bush guy had won the popularity contest. I don't get it. That guy is a dork. And his buddy is scaaaary. Why are they so popular? And they hate the gay community at our high school but they keep talking about how they have a mandate. If I hated the gay community, I certainly wouldn't be talking about my man dates. That's like hypocritical and stuff.

Dude. Diary. This is soooooo LAME!

When he stole the popularity contest four years ago, I thought to myself - "No way he'll be reelected in 2004. There's no way." But apparently, I have misunderestimated him.

Diary, do you know who I blame?

The 58 million members of Red State Nation and The Red Sox. I mean, The Red Sox had to win the World Series this year? In the 80-some-odd-years of World Series futility, they have to pick this year to win? Blacklash, I tell you. You heard it first, Diary - give the National League team the World Series (Houston or Busch Stadium) and give us the popularity contest. The signs were sooooo clear - Curt Schilling, shilling for George, pitching with a red sock. I mean, since the Red Sox won the World Series, every Boston team has lost: The Patriots lost, Kerry lost, The Celtics lost, and the Boston Bruins haven't even played a game yet. Maybe the Sox have reversed the curse and brought down 80-some-odd years of futility for my party.

The apocalypse is nigh (SAT prep, thank you very much). This is what I was afraid of.

This is so lame. I'm so depressed, I'm going to start carbo-loading. I was going to run away from home but my mom stopped me at the door and sent me to my room. Thankfully, Al Gore restored the internet (but damn these parental controls).

Morally eating pasta,
David

Another predictor

2004-11-02T13:58:00.000-08:00

11/2/04

Dear Diary,

Okay, I'm at lunch. That hall monitor almost got me but I hid underneath the table. Anyway, what I wanted to write before was that clearly Kerry would win the popularity contest because The Packers won on Sunday against Washington at Fed-Ex Field.

Here's more unscientific proof from Gregg Easterbrook, the nerdy sports guy at school, or as he likes to call himself in the privacy of his own nerdery, Tuesday Morning Quarterback or "TMQ":

The Sampling Error Is Plus or Minus Three Fajitas (Sampling Error, Get It?)

A month ago, TMQ wrote, "Forget those scientific polls, if you want to know who the next president will be, check with California Tortilla. These locally owned Montgomery County, Md., eateries, the Official Rapid Food Restaurant of TMQ, have a flawless record of predicting election results via burritos. Cooks concoct a burrito named for each candidate, then keep track of how many sell: Invariably, the top-selling burrito accurately predicts the winner. Last night, the California Tortilla burrito poll closed. The final burrito count was John Kerry 1,868, George W. Bush 1,738. That's Kerry over Bush, 51.8 percent to 48.2 percent. Let's see how close that comes to today's actual vote.

Sampling the cafeteria's burritos,
David

Stuck in the computer lab

2004-11-02T13:55:00.000-08:00

11/2/04

Dear Diary,

I'm totally sneaking into the computer lab to write you because I'm still in school but our school's poli-sci junkie dailykos just posted the early exit poll data from his buddy Jerome (www.dailykos.com).

AZ CO LA PA OH FL MI NM MN WI IA NH
Kerry 45 48 42 60 52 51 51 50 58 52 49 57
Bush 55 51 57 40 48 48 47 48 40 43 49 41

I hate this. I'm stuck in dummy woodshop while the popularity contest is going full tilt. Maybe if I "accidentally" cut myself, they'll send me home so I can prepare for the sleepover I'm having tonight. Dammit, I have that algebra test in 6th period. Hmmm...maybe I'll just ask for a lot of hall passes today!

Uh-oh, the hall monitor is here...

Gotta escape the fuzz,
David

OMG!! My friend is psychic!!

2004-10-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

10/27/04

Dear Diary,

My friend Laura is psychic!! After the Red Sox went down 3 games to 0 to the evil, evil Yankees, she predicted that the Red Sox would win the World Series and tonight they did - OMG! All under a blood red moon! The devil must be inside her! I may have to ask Captain Howdy if Laura is his right hand woman. Scaaaaary...

So as you know Diary, I had reservations regarding the Sox in the World Series with the Astros - the whole Massachusetts vs. Texas thing as far as it relates to the popularity contest this coming Tuesday. I sort of breathed a sigh of relief when the Cardinals got in until I remembered that they play at Busch Stadium. Well, paraphrasing that crazy James Carville, the Ragin' Cajun, our beloved college advisor, as seen in the documentary "The War Room," "Busch Stadium, I don't want no tired, old Busch Stadium!"

So let's celebrate tonight, but only tonight Diary, for there is still work to be done. It is only one leg in the trifecta in the confluence of sports and politics. This Sunday, we MUST take off our red socks and put on our cheese heads and root for Green Bay Packers when they play the Washington Redskins in Fed Ex Stadium.

Why?

Well, we have to root for them because Tammy is soooo dreamy and she's from Wisconsin (even though she may have fallen for that Blake Goddard, that cigarette smoking, beret wearing, artsy punk. But really, who am I to complain? That guy is so cool, you can hang meat in him) but we MUST root for the Packers this Sunday because since 1936, when the Redskins started playing football, if the Redskins lose their last home game in Washington before a popularity contest, the incumbent party has lost the election. When they have won their last home game, the incumbent has stayed in power.

What does this mean?

Diary, it means that if the Packers win at Fed Ex stadium, that would mean that sometime between 11/3/04 to 12/31/04, George B. would be lame (which we all knew) and on 1/1/05, he would be an Ex Federal official! The poetry of it all can't get anymore poetic, since Wisconsin is a swing neighborhood AND it's also the birthplace of our high school's progressive party!! Also, maybe if I root hard enough on Sunday - if I can root my little heart out - maybe, just maybe Tammy will like me instead of those other dreamy guys!

Diary, I love it when a plan comes together!!

Looking for my Favre jersey and foam cheesehead,
David

We Are All Red Sox Tonight

2004-10-21T01:01:00.000-07:00

10/21/04

Dear Diary,

First off: Wow. This is historic - never before done in the history of
baseball.

Secondly, I love seeing A-Rod and the rest of those overpaid losers eat
it while the Red Sox are celebrating in their "house".

Thirdly, Curt Schilling is a hoss. I wish I will be like him, torn
achilles tendon and all, when I grow up. He may not be dreamy in the
dreamy sense, but he's dreamy in the "hoss" sense. That dude's got
stickers all up and down his tendon and stuff. Diary, his socks were
literally red!

But something troubles me, Diary...if the Astros win today, then it's a
Massachusetts vs. Texas World Series, kinda like the popularity contest
is between the guy from the Massachusetts side of the schoolyard and
the guy from the Texas side of the schoolyard. Is there too much
synchronicity happening? Very scary, Diary. Too much stuff coming
together, like The Bible Code.

If the 'Stros (I hate that Mike Scott, no-hitting my Giants back in
1986) win today and go on to face the Red Sox, then I'd just as soon
give Texas the World Series and give Massachusetts the popularity
contest. But then, if the Red Sox win the World Series and the guy
from the Massachusetts side of the schoolyard wins the popularity
contest then will this usher in a new era of peace - uh...civics class
don't fail me now - "Not a Pax Americana enforced on the world by
American weapons of war. Not the peace of the grave or the security of
the slave. I am talking about genuine peace, the kind of peace that
makes life on earth worth living, the kind that enables men and nations
to grow and to hope and to build a better life for their children, not
merely peace for Americans but peace for all men and women, not merely
peace in our time but peace for all time."

Ha! Public schools aren't as bad as the "media" says they are (okay,
Diary, I Googled it).

Or maybe as someone else said, "If the Red Sox ever win the World
Series, then that's the dawn of the Apocalypse." Or maybe he meant to
say The Cubs...

In a field of dreams,
David

Popularity Contest!!

2004-10-07T02:24:00.000-07:00

10/7/04

Dear Diary,

Now that my birthday is done with, I can start focusing on more important things - like the big popularity contest that's coming up in November! Now since I don't own a Trapper Keeper, I can't be as cool or popular as that bitch Claire Richards, but as cool as she may be, she can't hold a candle to the John Johns or Monkey Boy and Darth Cheney who are running against each other to be president and vice-president of the school.

At the last debate in the cafeteria, Darth sorta said to John Edwards: "John, I AM YOUR FATHER" - scary. Darth Cheney sort of reminds me of an ogre but not like a cute one like Shrek. John Edwards, on the other hand, is dreamy!

Anyway, since I am nervous about getting into a good college (and since I saw Rushmore), I'm like joining every club I can. In addition to the theatre club, the cooking club, the crochet club, the get along gang, the care bear carers, the most recent club I joined is the Jewish club on campus and on my first day, they elected me to be the voice of their voter registration project. They don't have Trapper Keepers either or even cool stickers like I do. Actually, I think that's why they let someone Chinese like I am join. It's totally about the stickers.

Anyway, if anyone needs to register to vote for the popularity contest, they can call 323-761-8242 to listen to me tell them how to register - it's fast and easy and even if their moms and dads have the internet on parental controls, they can't lock down the online voter registration because that would mean that they were...oh, I learned this in civics class yesterday - "disenfranchising" or something like that. I 'm not sure what disen' franchises like McDonald's, KFC, and Jack in the Box, has anything to do with voter registration and popularity contests but I'm only 10 years old so what the hell do I know? I mean, why would you want to dis them? They make yummy food!

But yummy in the tummy isn't the point: the deadline to register is October 18th and it's important that people register because I hear that Monkey Boy and Darth Cheney are trying to suppress the vote like they did a few years ago. More important, of course, is to vote on November 2nd. Even more important is my friends spreading the word to their friends who may not be registered and who don't live in our neighborhood, especially if they have friends who live in neighborhoods like Ohio, Florida, Wisconsin, Minnesota, and other swinging places. I'm not old enough but if I was, I totally would have moved to the Wisconsin neighborhood to vote. Like totally. I even tried but my mom wouldn't let me. She said I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. whatEVER!!!

Not to spell out my own leanings in the popularity, but Monkey Boy and Darth Cheney can eat it for all I care. I mean they won once and stuff. They should totally share the popularity.

Love,
David

Birthday Fun!

2004-10-05T02:23:00.000-07:00

10/5/04

Dear Diary,

My friends are the best! They made my birthday so much fun! Even the ones that couldn't come had good reasons (the joke's on them, Diary, because my mom got us all party favors from the Hello Kitty store! Cool party favors like Cinamaroll and Hello Kitty stickers, pencils, gum, and candy!).

Among other stuff (one of which was NOT the Giants winning the division - poopy Dodgers - Steve Finley is a meany), I got my Kogepan doll, thanks to Justina who's the leader of the theatre group in high school. Debbie, who hates Claire and her cool-girl girlfriends, tried to get me a Trapper Keeper to make me cool and give me a place to put all of my stickers but couldn't find one because I guess they don't make Trapper Keepers anymore (God, I guess Claire and her friends are so much cooler now since they have those fresh velcro folders). Craig got me a book called Light Sleeper screenplay by Paul Schrader. On the cover is that funny looking guy who played the Green Goblin in Spiderman. Katie got me a subscription to www.NetFlix.com but since my parents have put all the parental controls on the internet, I don't even know what netflix.com is. I wonder if it's a porn site. Katie has always been a little bit edgy. And then I got a lot of beer. I don't know what I'm going to do with all of this beer. I hear it makes you feel funny, it tastes like pee, and that it makes you fat. Ethan and Laura got me the beer of the month club, Zanne and Marisa actually bought me beers that my dad confiscated. I was smart enough to hide one away under my pillow. It seems to be calling to me right now. Maybe I should open it and taste it.

EEEEWWWW! It tastes like bubbly pee!

MMMMMMMM! But I feel like floaty!

I must be drunk.

I luv my frienz!

*burp*,
David

10-4?

2004-09-30T23:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I used to think it was pretty cool that my birthday was the same as CB code for "loud and clear, good buddy." Now it's gotten old. It's kind of like getting called David Lee Roth all through pre-school, kindergarten, Elementary School, and Middle School, so now that I'm in high school, I'm going to turn over a new leaf. This year, we're going to celebrate the b-day this Saturday, 10-2. Diary, *sigh* I told you to mark you calendar...

My mom has arranged these activities for the day:

I have to get up early to make breakfast. She says breakfast is the most important meal of the day so on my day, I'm going to eat a nice hearty breakfast. My friends don't have to be part of that. It's okay if they don't show up at 6:30 AM.

Then my mom says I get to chillax at home and maybe take a nap, because I'll have gotten up real early to eat a good breakfast.

Then, at 8:00 PM, at the Split.Id Theatre, it's Specter's Closing Night (www.splitid.com). I hear from Justina that it's good and spooky. If my friends say that they are there for the birthday special, they get to get in for half-price, or 2 for 1, or 6 of one, half a dozen of another or something like that...uh...Diary, i just confused myself. I think the deal is, if you go and mention the birthday special, you get in for 1/2 price.

Then, at 9:30 PM my mom says I can stay up late and go to Frank N Hank's (518 S. Western Ave., a few blocks north of Wilshire: http://losangeles.citysearch.com/map?mode=geo&id=11416045&map_lat=340650&map_lon=-1183090&fid=5&cslink=profile_map_cust&ulink=profile_5_vitalinfo_1___map__1). She says it's her favorite dive bar in Los Angeles. Why you would want to dive at a bar in Los Angeles is beyond me since I can't swim, but maybe they have those arm floaty things so I might be okay. I hope no girls show up in their bathing suits. That would be embarrassing for me. Anyway, my mom says there is a rice cooker at Frank N Hank's in case I get hungry.

Then, after, who knows: Brass Monkey? Oooo, oooo, oooo, I hear Britney Spears sings there when she karaokes in LA! Orchid? Who knows? I mean, you only turn 15 once.

Oooo - Saturday, very exciting...

Diary, here's my birthday wish list:

1) My friends to show up.
2) Claire Richards to not show up because she made fun of my haircut. For all I care, she can eat it too, along with those punks Neal Weaver and Lovell Estell.
3) My mom to finally rent a pony for my party.
4) If not a pony, then maybe a pinata filled with Kogepan (yeah! Burnt Bread Man who is depressed and drinks milk as beer) and Afroken (his afro changes to make friends with everybody!) stickers, especially the ones I don't have.
5) A Kogepan doll.
6) I want Strongbad to finally return my emails.
7) The Giants to win the last few games to a) overtake the dummy Dodgers or b) win the wildcard. Come to think of it, The Dummy Dodgers can eat it too, and c) to win the World Series. If they do I'll just faint.
8) A rad Trapper Keeper so I can be popular too.
9) A Hello Kitty pencil box to keep all of my new pencils, it is back to school time after all.
10) My dad tells me I should wish for beer. Ylech, beer. Who wants beer?

I'm having a party, Diary. I hope my friends come. It won't be the same without them. I hope they come.

Diary, 10-4 good buddy?

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry if I want to

2004-09-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

9/24/04

Dear Diary,

Claire Richards is such a bitch. Just because she's sooooo popular, she thinks she can make fun of my new haircut. It's not my fault - my mom told the girl who cut my hair to make it short. I thought I registered my complaint when I said, "Mom, you're gonna make me look like a jerk!" Apparently no one heard me. I even tried to hit my mom (I know....I'm sorry) but she was walking towards the styling products section so I missed. Anyway, Claire said I looked like a jerk and then she ran over to all her cool-girl girlfriends and they laughed at me. One of them even dropped her Trapper Keeper with all the Hello Kitty stickers on it. I wanted to pick it up for her but I was soooooo embarrassed.

This sucks, Diary because my birthday is next week and I think there may be a shindig next Saturday (10/2) and I'm going to look like a jerk. My mom did buy me some styling products but I don't know what to do with pomade. What's pomade? It smells like sweet burning. Ewwww...

Anyway, I'm not sure what the plan is yet but I think the options are:

1) Drinks at Frank and Hank's
2) Mini-golf at the Sherman Oaks Castle
3) Video Games @ Dave and Busters!
4) Chuck E. Cheese!
5) Karaoke!

I think the leading vote getter is drinks @ Frank and Hanks but I'll know more later. I hope Tammy can come. She's dreamy. Oh - what if D.W. Sweet comes, too? There will be too much dreaminess in the room for me to handle! I might faint!

I wish my birthday could be in a cool place like Caroline Gordon-Eliot's. Hers was at Raging Waters. My mom wouldn't let me go because she was afraid of me seeing girls in their swimsuits. That and I can't swim.

I'll keep you posted, Diary about the plans for Saturday. For now, you can just mark you calendar.

15 going on 29,
David

Sooo Sad

2004-09-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm so sad about soooo many things: For one, I'm getting really nervous about the election. It doesn't look good for my guy and the other guy makes me feel "funny" and not in a funny "haha" sort of way. It's more of a scary "funny" like a little boy's bathing suit area after a slumber party at Neverland Ranch. Voting for the other guy is sort of like those parents that keep sending their kids back to Neverland, unless their kids are girls, at which point...I don't know...

For two, I've been having technical issues with my computer. Now I can't iChat with all of my friends and print out the latest pages from Britney Spears' Wedding Journal (Don't worry Diary, you're still the only "Diary" to me). How will I ever keep up with the wild exploits of Britney and Kevin? I think she's just doing this to make Justin sad. But if Justin actually attains his wish of becoming white Michael Jackson...wait, white Michael Jackson already exists...

For three READAPTATION is over and I'm so sad. It was such a fun show. I saw every single one and I even got the cast autograph. D.W. Sweet even sweated one me (*swoon*)... but now it's all over...

But, there are two new shows that I'm excited about and that I'm going to see. I swear, Diary, if they don't cure me of my end of summer doldrums, I don't know what I'll do, but I know they will. The one at the Split.Id Theatre is a psychological thrilled called SPECTER and it sounds cool and scaaaary and atmospheric. It stars Samantha Aisling and Dominic Savio, who were wonderful in READAPTATION (they were better than D.W. Sweet, but not as dreamy) and it's directed by Valente Rodriguez who's a star on the "George Lopez Show". It plays Fridays and Saturdays @ 8 PM with a couple of Sunday Twilight shows (oooo).

The other play is EVOLUTION OF SUNDAY at the Hudson Guild Theatre. It stars Braden Tenney and Zanne Walls. It plays Fridays and Saturdays at 8 PM too. I saw a special screening of THE MARRIAGE OF CHARLIE JOHNSON, which Braden stars in, and boy - that guy is dreamy. Two shows, two days. Maybe I'll make a weekend of it. I hope those people who steal and read you will go check these plays out.

Yours 4-ever! David

My Fresh New Job

2004-09-22T14:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I hate The Lemmings Associated Weekly, our high school paper. The "theatre" critic, this 10th year senior named Neil Weaver, came to see READAPTATION last weekend and his review came out today. God, he must be dense. We weren't trying to satirize or cannibalize the works of screenwriter ANDY Kaufman. It was Charlie Kaufman who wrote ADAPTATION. Or maybe the public school system is really in worse shape than we have been lead to believe that they can't even hire a fact checker for a play that happened at their own school. Just ask. Besides, it's not like we don't say "Charlie Kaufman" enough times in the play...jeez...

Maybe I'm dumb. Maybe Neil is trying to make meta-references, like he's trying to out-meta us. That 10th year senior doesn't know who he is dealing with. Diary, I am going to have a career change right now. I am now going to be a "Meta-Critic". I'm going to go see shows that the critics in this dummy highschool go to see, the same exact shows, and then read their reviews and write my own based on their reviews. Someone's gotta put these guys on notice and if it has to be me, Diary, then it has to be me. Besides, 've always taken to heart that Michael Jackson song, "Man in the Mirror." ("You gotta start with yourself/Shamon/Make that change!/Man in the Mirror!") Here's my first meta-review. Check it out, Diary, I think it rocks!

RE-ADAPTATION: STAGING JOHN MALKOVICH - THE META-REVIEW
by Neal Weaver and David Lee

This zany piece, written by Stephen Flores and Blake Goddard, based on Dominick [Dominic] Savio's story "The OC Harasser," attempts to satirize (or cannibalize?) [The attempt is both, though perhaps the satirical leanings of the show falls a little flat] the works of screenwriter Andy Kaufman by re-telling the story of Adaptation in the fractured style of Being John Malkovich [This is a fascinating read, Mr. Weaver. You may be stretching here by locating our "historical" forebear in comic Andy Kaufman, who often had a contentious, and often hilarious, relationship with reality and hyperreality. He was certainly a postmodern comic, but in actual fact, it's Charlie Kaufman who collaborated with Spike Jonze on those two projects. So this result of bad fact checking actually adds an interesting level of meaning. Also, you have it backwards - it should be "retelling the story of Being John Malkovich in the fractured style of Adaptation. The problem is, however, is that Adaptation is not particularly fractured. That was our invention, rather, not invention as in an "invention" but invention more as new layer on top of these two works]. However, due to all the homage and badinage [I love that word. Thanks!], the only original element (the story of the Orange Country harasser) gets lost in the shuffle [Surely. In Adaptation did you have the same problem where the story of The Orchid Thief gets lost in the shuffle?]. We never learn the precise nature of the harassment, though it does seem to have so traumatized Stephen Flores (played by Stephen Flores), that he was driven to create an alter-ego named Dominick Savio - the writer of the source material, played by Michael Rex [The precise nature of the harassment isn't the point. We could argue whether or not it is important to learn the precise nature of the harassment, but that would be an irrelevant point since the real story of "The OC Harasser" is how Dominic/Stephen has breaks the vicious cycle of cyclical maladaptive pattern in the postmodern world]. There's a perfunctory plot about an actress (Jen Martino) who stirs up an insurrection to take over the theater, but it peters out [Without this perfunctory plot, which is a dramatization of what happened in OC, there would be no reason for Act II. In light of this, is it still perfunctory? And it can only peter out if you consider Act II completely detached from Act I]. The play is strategically confusing, a tactic borne out by the playfully useless Dadaist program [I think a Dadaist program would have included entries like "poop thief" and the like. We would rather think that our program is a "playfully useless" annotation of the script]: The prologue appears as the second scene in Act 2, followed by scenes 3, 7 and 11 [How does this help explicate the show?]. Direction is by Savio and David Lee (who is played by Asian-American actor D.W. Sweet, who also appears as Elvis Presley, Audrey Hepburn and an ancient Peruvian) [This is probably the closest thing to fact in your review, though I actually think 'Bolivian' is more factually accurate]. A comically slapdash dance number at the end has little to do with previous action, but seems to please the audience [But did it please YOU? Because {singing}, "we wanna please you like we should"]. Split.Id Theater at the Complex, 6470 Santa Monica Blvd., Hlywd.; Sun., 7:30 p.m.; thru Aug. 29. (323) 462-2662. Written 08/26/2004 (Neal Weaver/David Lee)

Diary, you are always so good to listen to me when I rant. That Neal Weaver and Lemmings Associated Weekly can eat it, for all I care!

Yours, in the mirror,
David

SRO?

2004-09-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

There are only 8 remaining seats for Sunday's last performance of READAPTATION. I would so love to add seats and/or have it be SRO on Sunday and there are so many of my friends who STILL haven't seen it yet. I mean, why wouldn't they want to see a show that was almost received a cease and desist order from Charlie Kaufman and Spike Jonze? I so wish they would let me know they were coming - 8 friends specifically - I think they know who they are.
Should I email them, Diary?

I don't know - that just seems so passive aggressive - I guess I could call them but Diary, you know I hate the telephone, it just scares me so.

Oh well, I guess I'll just sit here and write to you, because you always listen to me.

Your friend forever,
David

Three More Performances

2004-07-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Oh, there are only have three performances left of READAPTATION. Are you sad? I am because so many of my friends haven't seen you yet. I know that a lot of my friends are lazy on Sundays. I don't get it - if Sundays are as easy as The Commodores song, then why haven't my friends come to see it yet?

Forget about them? No way, diary. I will not give up on my friends. In fact, I am going to add a performance, a Thursday performance, so that everybody who can't (or won't) come see it on Sundays have an opportunity on THURSDAY, AUGUST 19TH @ 8:00 PM.

Yes, I know that Michael Rex can't make the 19th and 22nd and Jen can't make the 19th, but we found two talented actors to understudy the roles. Yes, Diary, this is very exciting because those who have already seen it can come back to see it with an almost brand new cast (in fact, I hope that those who have seen you helps me spread the word). Who knows what may happen!
Diary, don't let me get you down that most of my friends haven't come to see the show yet. They will. Maybe some of my good friends will even come back to see it again (or in some cases, a third time!) But they need to know that we may sell out on closing night so all of them should spread out their attendance over the next four performances because in the end, the theatre may not have enough space to accommodate the stragglers.

Oh Diary, what makes READAPTATION so great? Let me count the ways:
The cast is strong.
The writing is "incredibly intelligent."
D.W. Sweet as Elvis/Audrey Hepburn is sooooooo dreamy!
According to the review, it is "HILARIOUS!"
All the critics agree: The final dance sequence is worth the price of admission.
It may have found the perfect balance between post(no hyphen)modernism and modernism.

Diary, do you need to be reminded of the remaining performances?
READAPTATION: Staging John Malkovich
Remaining Performances: Sunday 8/15, Thursday 8/19, Sunday 8/22, and Sunday 8/29.
Sundays @ 7:30 PM, Thursday @ 8:00 PM
The Split.Id Theatre @ The Complex
6470 Santa Monica Blvd. (Banner 5, Theatre Row)
Hollywood, CA
www.splitid.com

Diary, I love you!
David