Soooo LAME!

11/4/04

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry I didn't write the Election Night All Night Blog. All my plans went awry.

First off, I got caught by John Ashcroft, our school's hall monitor, when I was trying to spread the word in the Ohio halls of my school to go and vote in the popularity contest. He was saying something about God when he sent me to the principal's office. I hate that guy. He can totally eat it and he can eat it hard too.

Anyway, since my mom had to come pick me up from school, he was angry with me because she might lose her job and stuff, she didn't order a bunch of pizzas from Round Table or get the pinata pony my The Election Night Sleepover Party. She almost canceled it but I think she didn't want to make so many phone calls to the other parents since she had to go back to wo.

So all my friends came over at around 8:00 PM and things seemed to be going well (even though we didn't have any pizza because the economy is so bad) and I was going to start the election night blog when I found out that our internet was shut off. I said, "Dude, I can handle the erosion of my civil rights, but the internet? Where's Al Gore when you need him?" I was totally pissed because I couldn't get on the Nickelodeon Message Boards to talk to my internet buddies about the popularity contest.

When the results started coming in, my friends all started to get sick. Like vomiting and stuff. I think they were just hungry but they all went home. That's when that artsy punk Blake Goddard, the guy who Tammy thinks is dreamy, came down with explosive diarhea and left. Wait until I tell her.

But that left me by myself to understand what had happened: that George Bush guy had won the popularity contest. I don't get it. That guy is a dork. And his buddy is scaaaary. Why are they so popular? And they hate the gay community at our high school but they keep talking about how they have a mandate. If I hated the gay community, I certainly wouldn't be talking about my man dates. That's like hypocritical and stuff.

Dude. Diary. This is soooooo LAME!

When he stole the popularity contest four years ago, I thought to myself - "No way he'll be reelected in 2004. There's no way." But apparently, I have misunderestimated him.

Diary, do you know who I blame?

The 58 million members of Red State Nation and The Red Sox. I mean, The Red Sox had to win the World Series this year? In the 80-some-odd-years of World Series futility, they have to pick this year to win? Blacklash, I tell you. You heard it first, Diary - give the National League team the World Series (Houston or Busch Stadium) and give us the popularity contest. The signs were sooooo clear - Curt Schilling, shilling for George, pitching with a red sock. I mean, since the Red Sox won the World Series, every Boston team has lost: The Patriots lost, Kerry lost, The Celtics lost, and the Boston Bruins haven't even played a game yet. Maybe the Sox have reversed the curse and brought down 80-some-odd years of futility for my party.

The apocalypse is nigh (SAT prep, thank you very much). This is what I was afraid of.

This is so lame. I'm so depressed, I'm going to start carbo-loading. I was going to run away from home but my mom stopped me at the door and sent me to my room. Thankfully, Al Gore restored the internet (but damn these parental controls).

Morally eating pasta,
David