Demon Deacons Are Scary!

March 17th, 2005

Dear Diary,

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I'm so totally decked out in green because I don't want those icky boys (Mike Mertula, you smell like cornchips or athlete's foot) all up in my bizness pinching me and stuff. I keep hearing about people wanting to drink the Guinness today.

"Brilliant!" they yell.

You know what I say? "Like, that's soooo stupid!"

How are you supposed to drink a book? And what does that have anything to do with lucky charms, little magical leprechauns, and the luck o'd'Irish? I hear paper mills stink. You don't want that stuff in your system and I don't care how many anti-oxidants this "Guinness" has.

Today is also the beginning of March Madness, when everybody goes crazy for the big basketball tournament. I filled out my bracket (with my lucky green Kogepan pen) and turned it in just before the tip off of the first game this morning. I picked Wake Forest to win it all and I am right because:

1) I won last year.

2) Demon Deacons are scaaaaary. Empire-ically, or something. I mean, not only are they already demons, they are also deacons.

3) Their star point guard, Chris Paul thinks like me and therefore, is obviously a genius. I had just been rejected from the boys basketball team tryouts for like the zillionth time - something about me being a girl or playing like a girl, I was so agitated, I wasn't really listening - and I was at home in my Zarko Cabarkapa jersey, all bummed out and watching that stupid movie BASEketball when I thought how a 15-year-old like me can spice up the game of basketball. And I swear, diary, when it came to me, it was like Moses and the burning bush.

My burning bush said, "what Basketball needs a 6th person on the court - a nut kicker."

Genius.

It would be the great equalizer. You think Kobe's so smooth and his beef is so tender? Tell me what happens after it get kicked a few times. You think Big Aristotle is so unstoppable? Kick him in his little Aristotles. Iverson acting a fool with his gats? Kick him in the nads.

Both teams have nut kickers. Nut kickers can get their nuts kicked, but only by the other team's nut kickers. They cannot touch the ball (the one in play). Their sole purpose is to kick or not kick other people in the nuts. You see the strategy developing?

And Title IX? Screw it. You can kick that in the nuts too - hell yeah, girls can play. Tell me right now, Diary, that Mia Hamm wouldn't be the best nut kicker in the game. She'd be positively Bondsian.

Chris Paul must have brain wave stealing skills or something. It must have been that night that I went to sleep without putting my tin foil hat on - the next morning, I read that he had punched Julius Hodge in the nuts. Are you kidding me?

Ah crap! Chris Paul must be an alien too, leading me to #4 on my list of why the Demon Deacons will win the NCAA tournament...

4) Chris Paul might be an alien.

I feel it.

In my bathing suit area.

A revolution is in sports is afoot.

David Stern, where u at?

Protecting my ovaries,
David

PS: Bobby De Niro, our rift is forever now! You suck eggs for not coming to closing weekend of Overflow!