He's Just Living Up To His Namesake...

March 9, 2005

Dear Diary,

I hate Robert De Niro.

Yes, Bobby, I’m talkin’ to you.

There ain’t no one else here, so I must be talkin’ to you.

I hate your stupid Amex commercial directed by your no Oscar having best friend that cross promotes “your city, your card,” and “your poopy film festival that doesn’t want MY FILM to screen in the Triangle Below Canal.”

You think I’m mad? Honky puhleeze…I’m sooo over triangles.

Dodecahedrons are obviously the new triangles. Considering that you live in YOUR CITY with YOUR CARD, I’m surprised you didn’t know that. That, and your little neighborhood film festival in Manhattan is no dodecahedron. It is only a triangle and A-squared + B-squared = C-squared is so passé.

Okay, maybe I’m a little miffed but only because in all of my fifteen years of honing my cinematic critical skills, it is in my humble opinion that The Marriage of Charlie Johnson is better (that is, has a little something more to say) than Godsend, City by the Sea, and much better than The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

I know you may hold grudges as we “offered” the role of Jay to you (in our minds) but you scoffed at us (in our minds) and our insistence that you forgo your $20 million salary requirement. We said, “the movie is only going to cost $10,000.” You said, “[That noise you made in This Boy’s Life and The Fan].”

Mr. De Niro, the only way that you are going to get back on my Christmas list is if you come to see the closing weekend of Overflow, the play that Justina Walford wrote and that I directed. It’s only got four more performances – this Thursday thru. Saturday at 8 PM and Sunday at 3 PM.

Considering your recent run of paycheck roles and that dumb commercial, I’m guessing that times are pretty rough for you. That’s okay, Bob, because here’s a link that will get you half-priced tickets. If you don't want to hassle with the brief sign up, try this one (you’ll have to enter promo code 008 to get your discount) - you can even use YOUR CARD to pay for YOUR DISCOUNT TICKETS.

Didja get that? Cool, then I’ll see you this weekend, Mr. De Niro. I totally forgive you for not taking my film and don't worry, the next film I make, you’re still my first call for SAG scale. But only if you come this weekend! If not, I may have to continue trying to gain hater points for acceptance into the Player Hater's Ball.

Kisses,
David