Student Council Hearings

March 18, 2005

Dear Diary,

I was "subpeonaed" today to testify in the special student council hearings on eating lunch off campus, the hot new scandal at school. It hasn't exactly been against the rules to go off campus for lunch, but it's been one of those implicit agreements, or something like that but mysteriously, over the last few years, around lunch time, there have been less and less kids eating lunch at school. Personally, I thought it was The Mothman Prophecies, but the word on the street was that kids were leaving in droves to eat lunch off campus.

*gasp*

Have I? Well, Diary, I can't tell you, because I might be incriminating myself, but this is what I told them. I said, "I have never eaten lunch off campus, nor do I know anyone who has ever left the campus to eat lunch, not even at Whole Foods when they have the Organic Meatloaf. And hell no, I would not rat on my friends." I also told them that Mike Mertula might not have given me my burning bush.

Diary, why does the Student Council care so much? Don't they have bigger things to worry about? Like how our student body president is trying to steal other school's mascots and install ours? Or how about the school bully beating up on my arty friends? Or that the poor kids don't even have enough money to eat lunch at school? Student council says that eating lunch off campus could kill us and that it's a school wide epidemic. You know what's a school wide epidemic? Smoking.

Who cares about off campus lunches?

By the way, I came home and watched the steroid hearings last night. MSNBC replayed it at night, apparently taking a cue from their sister station NBC, "If you haven't seen it, it's new to you." Here are my thoughts:

You know who I feel bad for in all of this? Ozzie Canseco. He's like, almost identical to Jose and he roided himself and still couldn't play or almost sleep with Madonna. This brings up yet another GI Joe existential dilemma: if Tomax injected himself with steroids, would Xamot get big?

Who deflated Mark McGwire?

When did Sammy Sosa forget how to speak English?

Rafael Palmeiro's acting coach needs to be fired. I don't care if 50's matinee idols never used steroids. The look only works for Senator Richard Alarcon. Plus the finger pointing? Raffy, give me a break. This all goes to yet once again confirm that Will Clark was the better 1st baseman from the 1984 Olympic team.

Anyway, the student council hearings are continuing. I will keep you posted.

Organic Meatloaf...mmm...,
David